If you are the eternal optimist who lights up every room you walk into, I love you so much and am ever so thankful that I know some people like you to help counter the negativity in my more pessimistic personality.
However, you may not be able to fully understand what I am about to say. Just a warning.
For my whole life, I have dealt with anxiety. Sometimes it is just a nervous stomach when I have to do something I’d rather not do. Other times it attacks my whole body and leaves me nauseated with a burning feeling in my arms and a fear I can’t seem to control. I need to get up and walk because I am so antsy, but as soon as I try, I get weak and ill and have to sit back down. If it happens on a day I need to be working, heaven help me. I can’t even function. This goes on and on and on and is tortuous.
I have experienced some of that, yet again, over the past few weeks.
There are so many things I do believe the Lord is teaching me through all of this. Not the least of which is to be able to fully, fully trust that He is good and that He has all of my fears and potential upcoming trials under His complete control. Of course, trusting is a much simpler task when life is going pretty smoothly. When an upheaval hits, my true colors come to light once more and I again have to admit that I am not there yet. Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.
This is going to be vague today because I don’t believe now is the time to talk about details. (For the record, my marriage is good and our kids are fine.) But I needed to get on here and say a few things about anxiety and how it relates to my walk as a Christian.
I believe we all have our thorns in the flesh that help keep us humble, grounded, and centered on our walk with God. I believe mine may be this crazy anxiety that overtakes me when I can’t seem to trust as I should. I know this may not be a theologically correct teaching that a pastor may preach from the pulpit, but it makes sense to me. Every time it happens, I realize again that I don’t have it all together. I have nothing in which to boast. My reliance is on God and God alone and I have nothing in myself on which to fully rely for that peace that passes my understanding. Of course, I do believe it is something that I can work through and conquer with God’s help and His continual reassurance, each time it happens, that He continues to direct my every path and always will.
Someday, I will post more of the details about all of this. I may even write a small book about it! But for today, I just needed to come to my blog and do some thanksgiving for all that He is and all that He is doing in my life.
Thank You, God, for the beauty surrounding my home. The nature You have created is magnificent and to think that little old southern Oklahoma, not even a tourist destination, was given so much beauty by Your hand is overwhelming to me and I am so grateful for it.
Thank You, God, for all of the many blessings that You have blessed me with. They are too many to number. Family, friends, church, a wonderful home, the calling to homeschool, the freedom to worship, the freedom to raise my children as I choose, the laughter You have returned to my life after years with very little of it, Your obvious hand of protection and blessing that I sometimes don’t see but it’s always there.
You have given me so much. I just needed to praise You for it all today. Thank You, God.
My requests will continue to be presented, but I pray I never lose sight of all the blessings I have to be so thankful for.
“I sought the Lord and He heard me and delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4
“The battle is the Lord’s.” I Samuel 17:47
Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you.” I Peter 5:7
God has given us all hands ~ hands to serve. Let’s use them to serve Him well.