I am finding it harder and harder to come to this blog and write at a time when I thought it would be easier.
Although life is not a blissful bed of roses, it doesn’t feel as anxiety-ridden and paralyzing as it has in past days. Yes, my husband had a heart attack and subsequent triple-bypass surgery this past Spring. And yes, we have had car woes every month since this time last year. And yes, we have had some other big surprises this year that we didn’t even begin to see coming. But we are used to living like this. We’ve lived like this pretty much forever. The situations change, but the stresses don’t ever go away.
However, I am at a place in my life where I think maybe, possibly, fingers crossed, I am beginning to understand that God’s got this. All the writing I have done in the past regarding learning to be content, learning to trust and rest in Him, knowing that He is always always faithful, laughing without fear of the future almost feels done. Not done as in “I have finally arrived” because I most definitely have not, but done as in “maybe it’s time to move into a different phase.”
I have felt this coming for a while now but, honestly, I still don’t know what to do with it. Our last child graduated from our homeschool 2 years ago and will be moving out of our home to start her own life next week. Our boys have been out of the house for a while now. Doug and I will be empty-nesters for the first time in 29 years. I have a new granddaughter who fills my heart with an inexplicable joy, and I have truly enjoyed getting to know and growing to love her mother as well.
All the things I have written about for so long now are still true, but continuing to write about them is not in the forefront of my mind these days.
I have begun working more hours outside the home since the kids have all grown up now and it is fulfilling. Even though we are still under the weight of stressful things, I am feeling again. I am seeing beyond my own pain and am happy to report that my prayer life has progressed from “Lord, help me” to “Lord, also help them.” My most heartfelt prayer for any and all situations these days is “Conform me/us to the image of Christ and may Your name be glorified.” In my mind at this point in time, there is no greater prayer to be prayed for anyone or any need anywhere at any time. Circumstances don’t need to be changed as much as hearts do.
My problem is simply that I don’t know what to write anymore. The writing voice I have always used doesn’t seem to be the right one to use now. But I don’t know how to write without it. It’s the only one I’ve ever used.
So I will see where this leads. I hope it leads to something new and wonderful for myself and all who may have some desire to read what I eventually have to say.
But for now … “Dear Lord, conform me/my readers to the image of Christ and may Your name be glorified.”
God has given us all hands ~ hands to serve. Let’s use them to serve Him well.